Too funny . . . Jocks vs Geeks

Couldn't resist

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(I just crack up every time I look at this.)

Emotional extremes . . . sort of

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' ."

Animator vs Animaton

PalinAsPresident.com

Bill Maher Takes On Palin's Debate Performance

Tina Fey As Sarah Palin In VP Debate On SNL

CollegeHumor | Sarah Palin Disney Trailer

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Tina Fey As Sarah Palin: Katie Couric SNL Skit

Which Palin would you rather have?

Politics again (but laced with humor)

This is not political

more animals

And Engineer's Guide to Cats

I really had to laugh at this

see more crazy cat pics

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Now playing: T'Pau - Heart and Soul
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Yeowda

Makes me hungry

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Just too cool

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Now playing: Qntal - Am Morgen Fruo
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And especially for the cold and flu season . . .

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Gamers will appreciate this one

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I just could not resist

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I can't respond to emails today . . .

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Now playing: Mediaeval Baebes - All for Love of One
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We Were Centrions

Who says white birds can't dance?

Beet Pulp Safety Warning

(aka the famous squirrel story) . . .

G'head, read it.

I can has cheezburger?

~ snarfle snork chortle ~

Classic songs retooled for the aging Baby Boomer

Paul Simon -- "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"

Carly Simon -- "You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees -- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Roberta Flack -- "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash -- "I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations -- "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

Nancy Sinatra -- "These Boots Are Made For Bunions"

ABBA -- "Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer -- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores -- "Once, Twice, Three Times My Back's Out"

Procol Harem -- "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

Steely Dan -- "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"

Herman's Hermits -- "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

Credence Clearwater Revival -- "Bad Prune Rising"

Marvin Gaye -- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who -- "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

The Troggs -- "Bald Thing"

The Value of Time

To realize the value of ONE YEAR
Ask a student who has failed his exam.


To realize the value of ONE MONTH
Ask a mother who has given birth to a pre-mature baby.


To realize the value of ONE WEEK
Ask an editor of a weekly.


To realize the value of ONE DAY
Ask a daily wage laborer.


To realize the value of ONE MINUTE
Ask a person who has missed the train.


To realize the value of ONE SECOND
Ask a person who has survived an accident.


To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in Olympics.


To realize the value of ONE NANOSECOND
Ask a Hardware Engineer!


If you still don't realize the value of
time, you must be a Software Engineer !!!

The comic side of Dyson

Committed, by Michael Fry



This is hugely funny to those of us who spent a nice chunk of change to buy one of these suckers (pun intended) based on Jennifer Roberson's recommendation in her newsgroup. I have the purple Animal variety because I have four indoor cats and the Animal does wonders picking up cat fur. If one can be in love with a vacuum cleaner, the Animal is the vacuum of my dreams. I wouldn't trade my purple Animal for all the tea in china (that's a pun, by the way, not a mistake).

The specialized equipment is between his ears

It's the 1990s, and an IT pilot fish at a catalog company hears about this hot new line of servers from the company's preferred vendor.

"Well, of course, we need these," fish says. "So we place two into a cluster with several gigabytes of disk space for high-transaction database queries.

"Shortly after rollout in production, these servers start crashing -- abruptly and without warning of any kind, never the same problem, appears to be really random."

The vendor's engineers come out and replace one of the parts that fails most frequently. Everything tests out fine. The engineers leave, the servers go back into production, and soon the system crashes again.

The vendor's engineers return. Another suspect part is replaced, things test fine, engineers leave, system crashes again. And again. And again.

"This goes on for two months, and things are being escalated to the highest levels within the vendor and our management," says fish. "So the vendor flies in one of its top designers to perform electronic analysis on these servers."

Fish and his cohorts figure the expert will arrive with all kinds of specialized diagnostic equipment, and they prepare to stay the night as he tears the equipment apart.

But when the expert arrives, there's no special equipment, and he doesn't start tearing into the servers. He just settles in to wait for the failure everyone knows is coming.

"Sure enough, about midday one of the clustered servers crashes," fish says. "We proceed to remove the covers and examine the server. After an initial examination, the specialist pulls out a network cable scissors and snips a quarter-inch off a copper ribbon that's grounding the motherboard to the chassis.

"This solves the problem."

Seems the grounding ribbon on these new servers is held in place with the wrong kind of glue. As the server runs, the glue heats up and the copper ribbon curls, shorting out the motherboard at random locations. Which is why sometimes the problem appears to be the CPU, sometimes memory, sometimes the network connection.

The expert packs up his scissors and heads for home.

"After this, they change their manufacturing process for future machines," fish says. "And we never see another problem like this from any of these servers ever again."

Otherwise, what's it good for?

This pilot fish works at a big PC company, handling support for point-of-sale systems, when a call comes in from a user who says her store's computerized cash registers aren't working properly.

"They all say Q123," user tells fish.

That usually means that they can't talk to the server, fish explains. Is the server powered on?

"It's not getting any power at all," user says.

Are you sure the circuit breakers didn't trip and the server is plugged in? fish asks.

"I can't really check that right now," user says. "We've had all this rain and it flooded out the store, so I can't really do anything right now. Do you think that you can send someone out?"

Wait, says fish -- did the server box itself get water in it?

"Well, it's still sitting in about two feet of water right now."

What? says fish. How are you able to check the registers?

"They're on these counters that are up high, so they aren't sitting in the water," user says. "But the server sits on the floor so it did get water in it."

And we know the power is on, since the registers are giving you that code, fish says. Ma'am, I would strongly suggest getting out of the store until all of the water drains. You could get shocked by the equipment or anything else that uses electricity.

"Can someone come out to look at it today, since it is down?" user asks.

I can't send someone out until the water drains and the machines have had at least 24 hours to dry out, fish explains.

"Well, what am I supposed to do until then?"

You need to get out of the store and call your home office to let them know what's happening, fish says. And I can't send out a tech, because he can't do anything with it while it's still underwater. Electricity and water don't mix, and we can't put our tech in harm's way. It's not like you can open the store anyway."

"That's not the point," user says. "We have a 24/7 fix contract with you, and we expect service."

And they say football players are dumb

I love a good chuckle first thing in the morning. It sets the right tone for the day. I spotted this very early in the a.m. and I've been snarfing to myself ever since.

"Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein." -- Joe Theismann

The Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who
was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father
took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You
bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut
and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they
could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study
where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have
brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you
didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been
thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had
long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"

The Lost Balloonist

A man piloting a hot-air balloon discovers he has wandered far off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the balloon to within hearing distance and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, about thirty feet above this field."

"You must work in information technology," says the balloonist.

"Yes, I do," replies the man. "And how did you know that?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "what you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect my immediate help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's somehow my fault!"

Putt's Law

"Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand."

Training the car

She pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure her Golden Retriever had fresh air. The dog was stretched out on the back seat, and her mistress wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

She walked away from the car backward, pointing her finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that the woman is blonde, gave her a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

Literary Lion

A hungry African lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.

Now that I've moaned about being sick

. . . here's a bit of humor I found in my mailbox this morning . . . um, afternoon . . . It is afternoon, isn't it?

Murder Trial

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked--but your client didn't."

It should have been good night, but it's good morning instead

I was going to sign off with this joke last night, but the nasty compu-grinch wouldn't let me so it will have to be the thought that starts the day. I don't remember where I got it from so I can't give proper credit where it is due. I hope whoever originated it will forgive me for sharing.

Texas Women

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.

The first man had married a woman from Oklahoma. He bragged that he had told his wife to do all the dishes and clean the house. He said that it took her a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Arkansas. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told the men that the first day he didn't see any results, but by the next day it was better, and on the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry folded. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!

Got to love Texas women!